We need contrast to see anything. Without light and shadow all would be pitch dark or bright white fog. Beginning drawing and painting lessons teach how to see and reproduce light and shadow in order to create the illusion of three dimensions and distinguish between objects. Newborns are fascinated by contrasting patterns. Sentient beings survive by distinguishing between safe and not safe, food and not food, suitable mate and not suitable mate. This pattern-seeking ability to make distinctions is also essential to our ability to learn and create. Human and artificial intelligence is based on minute decisions of this or that and 0 or 1.
But this same ability to reduce all to either/or distinctions can inhibit our ability to discern complexity and tolerate the paradox of simultaneous opposites. We judge things as “all good” or “all bad.” We get caught up in black and white thinking which forces us to edit out all that is not congruent with the category in which we have decided to place the person, place or event. Things that happen usually tend to be seen as our fault or someone else’s fault, with no in-between or recognition of the systems in place. We lose the capacity to take in the gifts offered by the situations we experience as uncomfortable or painful. The story of our life becomes competing lists of “good things” and “bad things.”
Our Full Spectrum of thoughts and feelings get reduced to a limiting Defining Verdict. We get stuck in the idea of what “makes” us happy – dividing our experiences into “happy” or “not happy” based on if we interpret the situation as painful or pleasurable. We don’t take in the joy embedded in moments of pain or appreciate that contrast increases awareness: The clearing after the storm, the warmth after cold, the health after sickness, the satisfaction after frustration all heighten senses and perceptions.
Sudden or chronic trauma, including relationships where there is a preponderance of disdain and verbal abuse, results in Sticky Beliefs about our identity. We come to believe we are a powerless victim, a loser and failure, never good enough, unlovable, broken or bad. In studies of resilience, a key factor is not just the severity of the trauma but the meaning given to the trauma by the person affected. The story of what happened impacts the life of both the person who experienced the trauma and also what is passed on to children and others in close relationship.
We know as a couple and working with couples that the phrases: “you always” and “you never” shut down communication. A more useful model is to avoid absolute, black or white definitions of the behavior and instead say something along the lines of: “When this happened I had these different thoughts, feelings an associations.” The more we are aware of our multi-faceted reaction, the more we able to communicate our experience to someone else and reach mutual, compassionate understanding of both complicated, interlocking realities. When we tell another person who they are or what they are thinking and feeling we are usually editing out any evidence that might supply a more complex picture of the situation – both ours and the other person involved. We know that the ability to have satisfactory relationships where we feel loved and loving as our authentic self is linked to our sense of happiness. Black and white, all or nothing thinking impedes such relationships.
The ability to hold paradox and consider contrasting interpretations encourages our own self-awareness and encourages successful communication with others. This is an excerpt from our upcoming book: “A Practical Guide to Being Human: Map and Navigate Your Story of Change.”
In sessions, I will often use a diagram to map out what we call a person’s “Full Spectrum” of thoughts and feelings. When a client is describing complicated reactions to a past or contemplated event, we draw a circle and then divide the circle into slices, like a pie chart. Each cluster of thoughts and feelings occupies a different “Pie Slice” of the Full Spectrum Mandala Pie. Each different thought-feeling combo can be linked to a potential behavior and possible Sticky Belief.
The Pie Slices can vary in size depending on importance. During activation, certain thought-feeling-belief-behavior clusters seem truer-than-true and balloon in size. The Sticky Belief attached to the activated interpretation becomes all encompassing and Pie Slices linked to other interpretations become inaccessible.
The advantage of working towards Full Spectrum Awareness is that you don’t have to judge one thought-feeling combination as the “right one” or believe it is the only possible interpretation leading to only one possible reaction.
Here’s a sample scenario. A husband does a lot of research searching for the “best vacuum cleaner.” He hides the prized, expensive equipment in the garage. The morning of his wife’s fortieth birthday, he produces the machine, decorated with a red bow, as the big gift. How his wife interprets his action will determine whether or not the presentation of the vacuum (the action) “makes” her happy or angry, disappointed or appreciative or maybe a lot of conflicting emotions if she is in touch with her Full Spectrum of thoughts and feelings. Her reaction will then become the next action he interprets. We are each responsible for our own actions and reactions.
The Sticky Belief of the receiver may be, “If he REALLY loved me he would know what I want!” While the giver may believe, “If she REALLY loved me she would understand how much I tried to please her!” There is wisdom to the old adage: “It’s the thought that counts.” Activation is a call to understand the thought, the interpretation, the Something Important stimulating a response.
We all have areas where we are more likely to quickly react and see things as either black or white, all good or all bad. What areas in your life could use awareness of grays and other colors? How has black and white thinking impacted your relationships and how you tell the story of your experiences? Share your thoughts and feelings us either by commenting below or via email.
The following are two articles that explore the concept of black and white thinking from other approaches.
Tricycle Magazine
Meditating with Emotions: Drop the Story and Find the Feeling
Psych Central
15 Common Cognitive Distortions
Some books and audio courses that further explore some of these ideas are:
“When Things Fall Apart” and “True Happiness” by Pema Chodron
“The Trauma of Everyday Life” by Mark Epstein, MD
“Happiness is an Inside Job” by Sylvia Boorstein
“Real Happiness” by Sharon Salzberg
"The Gifts of Imperfection” Brené Brown
We look forward to your participation in the ongoing adventure.
